I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
