Your face is a jimmy john
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
