I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
