remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
