Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's blow job season.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
