end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
