If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
