WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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