Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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