All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
