i just wanna soil my oats bro
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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