The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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