If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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