I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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