I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize