Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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