when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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