My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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