i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Randomize
