Are we in a gay sports bar?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
