checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize