Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
