it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
