your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
