I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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