My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
