I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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