dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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