I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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