i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And then my night got REAL pukey
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
