you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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