I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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