I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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