he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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