I faked an abortion last night.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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