I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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