Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
