3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
