so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
