She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
And then my night got REAL pukey
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
