Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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