Someone shit on the floor
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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