So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
