mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
