I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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