Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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