something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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