I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
