You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
