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i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
