he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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