I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
