saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
