Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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