No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
