one two three fourrrrnication!
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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