I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
