I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
