Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
