it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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