just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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