dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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