I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
