Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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